


Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

by wannabuyahotcat



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Bara monsters, Drunken Dart Games, MafiaSwap, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 19:46:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19012630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannabuyahotcat/pseuds/wannabuyahotcat
Summary: Life was going just fine for the two Skeleton mobsters, until a new assignment changes things. How will they deal their work, while being on guard 24/7 for a human who's scared of everything. Well, one would be after everything they've seen.Or.Two differingly dysfunctional skeletons babysit a scared little human.





	Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Honey was always the safest bet.

The stoic spider monster slid another bottle down the bar top, humming softly. Was he falling asleep again? She worried sometimes. With another soft sigh, she walked over, two of her hands busy drying a glass as another one gently clicked next to his earhole.

"nyeh?" He raised a sleepy head, blinking ever so slightly out of time, his bony hand wrapping around the honey like reflex.

"Slim, go home. You look like shit."

"aww, i love ya too, muffs."

He grinned as he sipped his drink, and she rolled a few of her eyes. "I mean it. I'm not dragging you home ever again, not after-" She shut her mouth, not willing to bring up the time she let him have a sip of schnapps and he stripped down to his boxers and table danced. Attempted to. She had to physically drag him home, and he'd lost those pants along the way, somehow. She shook herself, and he huffed softly, looking to the side.

"if i'm feeling tired enough, i'll go, i jus'.. gotta stay awake in case somethin' starts."

She raised a brow, before bowing her head, chuckling softly. "Ah, darts night."

"yep. y' know he tends t' drink a lot at darts."

"Yeah.. Hence why we don't _have_ dart competitions here anymore." She huffed softly, but it made him giggle.

She let him be for a while, and he seemed to stay awake. Eventually his phone buzzed, a long suffering sigh falling from his open mouth. "an' it begins. i'll seeya later, muffs. jus' pu' it on m' tab."

She didn't even have time to rebut, as he was gone from his seat. All she could do was clean up and grumble to herself, wondering if he was ever going to pay it. Godsdamn her good heart.

The tall, but slouched skeleton appeared a good 15 minutes away in a moment, standing outside another bar. This one more of a dive. No windows to see in or out of, and a bouncer at the door who even he was wary of. Still, they knew him, and they knew he was here to rid them of an issue. Said issue could be heard all the way from the bloody street. He sighed, stepping in and walking down a set of stairs, to a smokey, grubby bar hall.

Bingo.

Well, darts.

He slowly approached the scene, taking in the damage. One monster on the floor, trying to pry a dart out of his shoulder, another being held back, as another skeleton, shorter than Slim but still looming over most, was in the middle of an angry, drunken tirade about idiots walking in front of him while he was throwing. This guy would have had to have been standing a good 6 feet away from the board, his aim was just bad.

"bro, calm y' tits."

The other spun around, glaring and slurring his speech. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE, SLIM?"

"go' th' call t' come collect ya, didn' i."

The shorter skeleton let out a comically loud huff. He looked up at his brother with giant blue, slightly crossed eyes. There was a reason for the nickname 'Baby Face'. His eyes were big, his mouth bigger in a few regards, and so was the gap in his front teeth. Slim used to be able to fit a finger between those big tombstones of incisors, and he used to do it to piss him off, until one day he was too slow and got bit. Yikes, that was an awkward hospital trip. At least they were able to reattach the last segment of his pointer finger.

It was sort of oddly numb, now.

"c'mon baby. y' too drunk t' play."

"I AM NOT DRRRUNK!" Baby spat, as he grabbed another beer, going to drink but slopping it down the front of his dress shirt. "MOTHERFUCKER!"

"yep, y're totally sloshed. c'mon, i'll buy ya a nicecream."

"He threw fuckin' a dart in my arm!" The poor bastard on the floor said, Slim shrugging. What was he supposed to do about it?

"an'?"

He got a shocked but blank look back. Baby laughing, flipping him the bird. Eh, time to get him away before another fight started.

Baby was easy enough to steer back out, but as soon as they hit the cold air of the street, he was running over to a nearby trashcan to empty his non-existent stomach. Slim sighed, taking out a cigarette and lighting up, trying to tune out the sounds of retching by humming to himself. Once the other was done, he joined him again, groaning as he wiped his mouth with a handkerchief.

"UGH, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE FRIES.."

"sure it was. couln' possibly be th' copius amounts'a booze ya pu' back."

"FUCK OFF, MAYBE? JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HOLD YOUR LIQUOR~"

"maybe i like havin' all my' braincells intact." Slim smirked, as Baby mocked him, bringing up a hand to talk as he muttered to himself. "oi, c'mon, le's go home."

Did the grown monster just stamp his foot? "YOU SAID WE WERE GETTING NICECREAM."

"fuck off, like th' carts gonna be ou' at this time'a night." Slim laughed, and even harder at the award winning pout he was getting from the shorter. "bro, y' know tha' shit dun' work on me."

" _UGH_."

***

By the time they got back to the modest house they called home, Slim was feeling dead on his feet, and he yawned. Gods, the day had been a long one, even if he'd only really woken up at 4pm. Tiredness was hitting him in waves, and he was close to going under. Baby flopped back on the couch, groaning. Oh well, too bad, so sad. He got himself into that mess.

"SLIIIIIIIM?"

The taller had _just_ gone to walk out of the room, heading to his bed. He let out a sharp breath, slumping slightly, before he turned back to him. "yeah?"

Again with the pouting? "CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF CHOCOLATE MILK?"

"i'unno, can you?" His answer wiped that pout right off, and replaced it with a look of annoyance. Slim giggled. "yeah, fine, bu' ya gotta help me wi' some shit f' tori t'morrow-"

"DEAL." Well, that was quick. Almost like Baby liked hanging out with his boss. Slim rolled small orange eyelights, before going to fetch him some. It was actually worth it to see his big brother actually happy. Once the milk was delivered the 10 feet or so that Baby didn't have to walk, he turned and waved a good night.

Once Slim reached his room, he finally relaxed. Oh, sweet bed, how he missed it.

Back out in the lounge, Baby was feeling like shit. The chocolate milk did seem to make him feel a little bit better, but he was still full of nervous energy from the fight. He tapped his feet, his legs jiggling to try and dissipate a little of the tension. He was a naturally high energy kinda guy, so this wasn't unusual for him. Ugh, maybe Slim was right, maybe he did go overboard on the drinks again. Ugh, stupid Slim and his stupid being right most of the time.. All of the time.

Eventually he too ventured off to bed, but not before stubbing his toe on the coffeetable and tripping over the runner rug in the hallway. Hopefully tomorrow wouldn't greet him with too bad of a hangover.

Hopefully.

***

Nope.

Hangover, and it was a nasty one. Baby groaned, pretty much rolling out of bed and onto the floor with a sharp "OOF!"

The morning light was streaming in through the window, the birds outside singing softly, melodically. Ugh, where was a brick when he needed one. With much aplomb, he dragged his weary old bones up, opening the window to at least get some fresh air into the place. Someone nearby was cooking, the lovely smells drifting and wafting through. Nope, he was grabbing his wastebin, heaving up the last thing to enter his body the night before.

Once that ordeal was over with, he sat on the edge of his bed, wiping his mouth on his sleeve and then rubbing his eyes. A nice hot shower sounded so good right about now. That and a couple of advil.

Post shower, he felt a helluva lot better, getting dressed in a nice suit, heading downstairs for a fry-up and panadol. He was surprised to see his lazy brother awake and in the lounge already dressed for the day, reading the morning paper.

"WHAT'S WRONG?"

Slim looked over, smirking. "does summa' have t' be wrong f' me t' enjoy such a lovely mornin'?"

Baby gripped his skull, slowly nodding. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BROTHER?"

He received a roll of the eyelights and a chuckle. "wha'? tori wan's us over by 9, an' it's.. fuck, it is early." He did a small double take at his watch. "7:15. shit, no wonder y' were confused." He admitted, as Baby zombie walked into the kitchen, asking if he wanted some bacon and eggs. That was a emphatic yes.

***

9 am sharp, and the two appeared at the door of a large manor house. The gardens flourishing and flowery, the pollen in the air making Baby sneeze, and loudly. A few birds nearby taking off.

"tha' was such a da' sneeze."

"FUCK O-OH! TORI! HELLO!" The door had opened, the tall goat monster frowning and raising a brow at such language.

"MWEH HEH, SORRY TORI." He looked down, grinding his foot into the step, putting on such a sweet, apologetic act. She was a sucker for sweet.

"You are forgiven. Come inside."

She turned and walked back into the house, Baby nearly clicking his heels and strolling in after. Such a little peacock. Slim shrugged to himself and ported straight to the kitchen, beating them both there. Tori smiled at his cooperation, Baby grumbling that his display had gone unnoticed.

"Tea?"

"YES PLEASE, MIZ TORI."

"yeah, i'll have a cuppa. thanks."

"Oh, it's quite alright, boys. Please, make yourselves at home." She gestured to the table, and they both took a seat. She soon came over with a tray, teacups and all of the trimmings she could think of. Even some teacake. Baby stuck in, Slim adding a lot of honey to his cup.

"so, i reckon y' got somma' f' us t' do, righ'?"

She nodded, before she picked up some papers off the counter. She slid them across to the two, sitting quietly as they read over them.

".. YOU WANT US TO BE BODYGUARDS? TO A HUMAN?" Baby looked up, confused, but she simply nodded.

"yeah, i thin' we c'n do tha'."

"Oh! Just what I wanted to hear. You won't just be doing this for me. Your father is working with them, and they need to be kept safe. You two are my most trustworthy, reliable men."

"AW, SHUCKS MIZ TORI."

"Just, Tori, please." Her smile was a little strained.

"hey, jus' tori -" Both Baby and Toriel gave him a flat look. "- so we gotta pu' 'em up f' a while?"

"THEY'LL BE LIVING WITH US?" Baby pulled the papers back over, Slim's smirk growing.

"means y' gotta wear pants."

"EXCUSE ME."

"Boys."

"SORRY."

"heh, sorry tor."

She took a deep, calming breath, before nodding. "They will be staying with you, until such time as we find more permanent accommodation."

Slim sat back in his chair a little, slouching more than usual. "i know he's thinkin' it too, bu', uh.. why?"

Tori picked up her cup and saucer, spinning the black tea around for a moment, before she looked back at them.

"They were a witness to a horrific crime. A known witness."

"OH.. THAT EXPLAINS SOME THINGS."

"yeah.. fair enough."

He looked back at the photo. They were a younger human, adult. They were smiling in the picture, but Slim could see such fear in their eyes. Poor kid. They'd seen some heavy shit.

"so, when do we ge' t' meet 'em?"

Tori perked up, putting her tea down. "They are with your father at the moment. I will let him know you are on your way to collect them." And off she went to grab the phone. Baby hummed.

"I'M GETTING A WEIRD FEELING ABOUT ALL THIS, SLIM." He looked to his younger brother, his serious expression not fitting him.

Slim rubbed his chin, making a soft scratching sound, before shrugging. "eh, they's a li'l human. wha' coul' happen?"

**Author's Note:**

> So. Here's the thing. I'm not sure if I should turn this human into an OC, Frisk or Chara, or a Reader insert. I leaning towards the latter. Or at least a vague enough character that it can be read as one. :3c
> 
> [Discord Server (18+)](https://discord.gg/wZEaQtm) | [Tumblr](https://wannabuyahotcat.tumblr.com/)


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